An Interlude: Walking in this World

By Izzy Pilkington

Oliwier Gesla, via Unsplash 

[Read Izzy Pilkington’s journey into the world of Julia Cameron so far by clicking here and here]

From the start of this course I vowed to be honest — not just honest but truthful (trust me, there is a difference). So here is my confession; I have taken multiple extended breaks from the course. And the reasons vary; at first it was because I was working two shows back-to-back. One of them being a small tour. Later it extended to, “I’m so tired”, “I’m so busy,” “I want to relax.”

So I stopped — but I hopped back on again. I did week five. Then stopped again because I was moving (which as everyone knows consumes your life). The following is a snippet taken from an earlier unreleased article, “ground-opening-panic-attacks-that-made-me-believe-I-was-having-a-heart-attack-and-was-going-to-die.  And yes, Google did not help the matter.”  This describes a twenty-four-hour panic I had. The best way to describe the feeling is to use the metaphor of an earthquake; there’s evidence the devastation is coming, which you either put a plan of action in motion or ignore it hoping it won’t happen (guess which one I did), suddenly the earthquake comes on causing devastation and thus comes that wicked aftermath. A lesson learned: never underestimate the power of the aftermath. 

Again I tried to get back on the wagon but as it goes, I needed to move again,  and in great haste. I got panic attacks four times a day every day; when I stepped outside my home, when I walked to the gym, at work and while sleeping. By this time I was so disconnected from the course, even when I was doing the tasks, the dates… I wasn’t there.  The focus was not there. It felt like “a have to” rather than “a choose to”. The dark face of guilt grew and grew for not sticking to it. A grim shadow of fear that I’d let people down or won’t be published in the magazine anymore bloomed. Then those thoughts kept on circling in my head, “I am just proving I’m unreliable.” “And everyone hates that.”

“That is why this magazine is here. This is why I want to write for this magazine. I want to bring awareness. I want to learn. I want to teach”

I wanted to push myself — write the articles because that little voice was telling me “they’ll never know you took breaks. And they can’t know how unreliable you are. So just write anything.” And you know what? I will not let that little voice win. I will not hide my trips, my falls and mistakes.  I will not hide from the fact I became overwhelmed with overgeneralising, mind-reading, catastrophizing and fore-telling. That is why this magazine is here. This is why I want to write for this magazine. I want to bring awareness. I want to learn. I want to teach. So here are a few things I have learnt over the past few months:

• I am a bully—I bully myself on a daily bases. If I was in school and treated someone like I treat myself, they would kick me out. The same goes for being at work, being in a play and making friends. I need more self-compassion; it’s something I’m lacking. And I am on the right path to releasing that within me.
  
• I am a judgemental bitch — I judge myself in my weaknesses and my strengths. I judge others because there are things I am procrastinating to do, fear doing, doubt I can do. I judge me on judging. The vicious cycle of bullshit continues to spin. And, oh how I will tear down those walls, even if the process is slow. All the more joy at destroying this demon.
  
• If I had a superpower avoidance would be it. I avoid everything,  social situations, relationships, pain, hurt, joy, fun…
• That ties in with the next one; learning to become more aware, accept the knowledge and then either throw it away or think of something you can do about it.
• I need not suffer — if I have a panic attack or an anxiety attack I can take the pill the doctor gives me. It helps with calming down and healing. Allow that healing, know you don’t deserve to suffer. And taking a pill is not a weakness it’s accepting you need a little help.
• The importance of release — I am a great one for building up all the personal drama, mental drama, loss and grief into a little ball and shoving it way down so I don’t have to deal with it. It will ALWAYS come back. Always. And all at once.
• Artist dates — once you open that door they have a way of finding you.
• Questions — are the most powerful tool one can use to change a mindset and move forward, my favourite one at the moment is, ‘What do I want to do?’
• Action steps are everything. Actions are the key to everything.
• Journeys are hard but still can be joyful.
• Honesty to self (and others, obviously) is scary, but will keep the soul light.

You may think, “What happens next?” Well from the week starting from the 25th of June 2018, I went back and explored chapters one through four then onto chapters five and beyond of the book. I feel the need to find the rhythm of the course again. And who knows what new things I will find.