How I Passed My GCSEs Despite Mental Ill-Health

Content warning: sexual assault, self-harm

Artwork: Ashling Larkin

I will never forget the years of my life when I sat my GCSEs: they are hard enough as it is, but they can also be hard on mental health. The standards expected, and the idea you need to know what you want to do in life at the age of fourteen, is just mad. I feel like the whole education system expects far too much from young adults, with little care for their mental health, which is why I think it is so important to have in-school counsellors.

For me, I changed school three times and missed three whole terms over the 2 years I was working on my GCSEs. I was battling a lot with my mental health: I was self-harming, drinking, and acting out because school made me feel so miserable. Each day I spent there, it made me literally want to die. I was bullied a lot, so this –  mixed in with the stress of school itself – made it hard for me. I resented school.

Then a week before my 14th birthday, my grandma passed away. It was the first death in my family and I had no idea how to cope – it was all so new. That year was bad enough anyway, as I was later sexually assaulted by my first boyfriend.

The following year, a day before my 15th birthday, my mum had a stroke and I had to change schools. But this time it was hard because I actually liked the school I was in. I felt at home there, accepted, and I had good friends; I was happy and it was being ripped away from me. This happened right before I was due to do my mock exams, so social services got involved. I was struggling to deal with my mother, who had reverted to a baby-like state. It upset me to see her like that and I felt responsible. I spent so much time caring for her, instead of being a teenager.

Finally, I settled into a public school the next town over. I hated having to get the bus, but it was my only choice. At this point I had only ever been to private schools, so it was a culture shock. Plus, I only had four terms left to sort out my GCSEs, I had to catch up on three terms’ worth of work, and I had to deal with the struggles at home. I was drowning but no one would help. Then, to add salt to the wound, I met a boy who I liked a lot, who ‘had his way with me’ in my sleep.

It was the hardest time of my life. I forget now how difficult it was. I spent so many nights crying and wanting to die, hurting myself and self-medicating with alcohol. However, I could not allow myself to fail. I am very good at surviving and getting things sorted because I’m determined not to live my nightmares. I didn’t want to have to re-do my GCSEs; the idea of an extra year of school was humiliating. I spent so much time working hard to do the best I could, considering the circumstances. I started giving up my free time and revising like crazy. I practically taught myself most subjects as the teachers were not the most helpful.

Before I knew it, my GCSEs were over and I was able to leave school early because I finished all the course work sooner than expected. I remember how good that felt, to be the first person in my year to finish school when I had been there the least amount of time. This was one of the few times my compulsions worked in my favour. It was like a reward for doing well and I was so proud of myself – I still am.

I remember waiting in the car as we drove over to pick up my results. I swore I was going to fail, and I prepared myself for the disappointment. When I opened my results, I cried. Despite it all I’d risen out of the ground like a freaking Phoenix.

I got a B in English Language and Literature, a C in Maths and a D in Additional Science (I failed physics but I don’t mind), plus a bunch of BTECS. For me, these results were the same as getting A*s, as I’d been expecting a D in everything.

It’s hard to say how I did it. I think I put my anger and fear into my work. I was so determined, I did whatever I could to pass. I put in extra time and gave up lunch breaks, I spoke to teachers and pushed myself – I didn’t let my unfortunate circumstances limit me.

Maybe if my life was a little easier I could have gotten As but I am so proud of myself for what I achieved. I was always in the bottom sets at school, always failing and looking at a bleak educational future. So just passing was cause for celebration.

So I want you to know, if you are worrying about GCSEs, remember my story because I have been there and I did well for my situation, as narcissistic as that sounds.

School’s not easy, it can be very cruel and the system is outdated, but this time in your life is temporary. Exams will not rule your life. I only ever need my English Language and Maths nowadays and the pain I endured through school no longer bothers me. All that worry about popularity and teen angst is non-existent.

Success is not determined by grades. Just because you’re not good at maths doesn’t mean you’re not good at something else. We all have skills and sometimes they’re not found in school. A learning difficulty doesn’t mean you can’t be a writer or a mathematician. I believe success is determined by not giving up. I am now 22 and have just decided to pursue a career in writing, which is not easy because I struggle with spelling and grammar. But I love it. That’s what I think is important: passion and determination.

School tries to shove everyone into the same sheep-pen but that does not mean you are a problem for being different. You can be a freaking rainbow sheep and have more success in your life than someone who did not follow their heart.

You can pass your GCSEs but even if you fail, it’s not the end. You can retake certain GCSEs as an adult and return to education any time!  You are never too old to learn. I’m now currently attempting college for the third time and I am set to pass, which means I can apply for Uni. Remember that some of the most successful people didn’t even get one GCSE. You’ve got this!

Originally posted on Charlotte’s blog at:

https://charlotteunderwoodauthor.wordpress.com/2018/03/07/tw-how-i-passed-my-gcses-despite-ill-mental-health/

Charlotte Underwood is a 21 year old from Norfolk, who has learnt to find positives in all the negatives. She has had a far from easy life which has lead her to suffer from mental illness but she is using her life to help and support others.