Dear You

Image credit: Claire White

You
You sit on my bed at night,
Hide in my cupboards,
You are the wind, the rain,
A stagnant pond.

You
You are not blackness,
When I see you I see grey,
Mist, mugginess,
You are my constant.

You
You are ever-changing,
A plethora of shades
Textures, densities.
Sometimes I think you aren’t here.

Yet by simply thinking that
You are with me,
Sitting on my chest,
Holding my mouth shut.

There is nowhere I can go,
Where you will not follow,
The loo, bed, work, school.
We are conjoined twins.

Though only I see you.
Only I feel you,
I can’t remember not being with you,
Sometimes I even miss you.

Then I remember,
It is you who holds my tongue,
Chases friends away,
Terrifies my family,

Terrorises my brother,
Makes my sister look at her siblings as if we are broken,
Why won’t you fuck off?

Seriously please, please,
I am begging you to go,
Stop walking by my side,
Holding a gun to my back.

Do you expect me to live,
Live with you,
While you take a knife to my wrists,
Watching my freedom drain from me,
As you replenish my blood
With your addictive poison.
You become my life force.
You make me need you.

But is that really life,
Am I actually living,
Because I feel like I’m drowning.
Drowning in air.

If I ever speak about you,
No matter what people say,
I feel insane,
I know I’m to blame.

I let you in my door,
Made you comfortable,
Gave you everything you needed
To thrive in my life.
One day though,
I would like to know.
What it is like?
To breathe without you?

Elle Vaughan is an English poet and script writer. Elle believes writing for both the reader and the writer is the best form of escapism. She writes to make the problems and issues of now more understandable.

Born in 1994 and raised in a small village in the west of Fife, Claire is currently a freelance photographer, living and working within the Scottish central belt. After studying photography for seven years, she graduated in 2017 with a Bachelor of Arts with Honours degree. Her work is motivated by a wide subject matter, but predominantly the experience of the human condition, surrounding matters of identity, relationships and community. Her main inspiration comes from her own personal life and experiences. Having never been very good with words, turning instead to photography, Claire is passionate and driven to share stories through her work.