By Anon
Photography by Travis Grossen, via Unsplash
If I’m being honest
I really like you
And I could see what we have going somewhere but I’m scared. I’ve been hurt so badly before and I don’t know if I have the strength to recover from another heartbreak. The last one took everything I had and I promised to look out for myself more in the future.
You don’t seem perfect but I think I like that. Your confidence gets on my nerves and somehow you’ve learned how to get into my head like a Taylor Swift song. Your comments challenge me and I appreciate that you pull me up on things. I can’t stand that you make me sentimental and that I want to tell you about everything that happens to me.I hate that you think an apology and a compliment are good enough after two days of no contact, but I also hate that I accept it. I can’t promise I won’t judge your boarding school stories and the naivety that comes with your privilege but I’ll probably smile when you laugh at my jokes about your four houses.
As we get to know each other more, I can feel myself falling for you and I’m worried I’m not the person you met.
I’m flawed. I’m stubborn and I do care when you leave me on read. I do get jealous and I am insecure. My mental health is sometimes out of my control. I care about celebrity gossip and I talk about people behind their back. I can be irrational, sometimes I get angry and other times I don’t look after myself as well as I should. Somedays I only put myself first. I spend too much time on my phone and can watch an embarrassing amount of TV. I hate running outside and sometimes I take my family for granted. I’m judgemental and use sarcasm to cover up my anxiety. I can’t reverse park, I don’t stretch enough after I’ve been to the gym and I never ever drink enough water. I eat junk food and I can’t remember a time I didn’t need a coffee before 11am without risking withdrawal symptoms. I’m reliant on antidepressants and sometimes I struggle to cope. These are parts of me and I’ve worked really hard to love them. What I’m saying is that I don’t have it in me to persuade you to want to me too and I definitely don’t have the energy to try and hide who I am.
So no you can’t have me as a plan B; no I won’t wait around for you; no I’m not going to let you refer to my expression of emotion as going in a huff because my feelings are worth more than to be disparaged; and no I’m not going to fit into whatever box you try and put me in.
I know you think you’re charming but babe, charming doesn’t cut it in the real world. You’re nothing special.
Maybe I’m naive and overly sentimental but I believe love is something real is worth fighting for.
So now we’ve gone our separate ways, and even though your constant reconfirmations to me about how you’re in the right might have fooled you, they’ve not fooled me and I’ll walk away knowing I would’ve worked for it but that I’m worth more than to beg for the chance.
I hope your friends ask about me and you have to try and pitch your heroic martyr story to them too and tell them all about how everything you did and said was in my best interest. Little did you know that my best interest is not yours to look after. That’s a privilege given to those who make an effort and nothing to do with how rich your family is.
It was never going to work, I was foolish to let myself believe that. I actually feel sorry for you, you tried so hard to come across well, but a good upbringing and way with words doesn’t cover up your flaws. It’s a shame because I was ready to get to know the real you, we could have embraced our imperfections together. It’s always going to be messy, but sometimes it’s going to be worth it.
Our short-lived time together made me think about my own toxic patterns. Why do I let guys get into my head so quickly, why do I fall for those with huge egos and narcissistic characteristics that are no good for mental health? It’s a cliché that we want those who are the worst for us but what do we do if its becomes a unshakeable reality?
Maybe I’ll never know but for now, I hope you’re okay and that you haven’t forgotten about me just yet.
