Reflections on Anorexia

By Poppy Holland

Illustration by Poppy Holland

A year after I was released from ICHAMS and ‘fully recovered’ from anorexia, I drew this picture. Very few people knew about my mental health problem and what had happened to me. This image was a way for me to start opening up about the stigma of mental health issues like anorexia.

At the age of 13 I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. I was not your ‘typical’ anorexic child; I wasn’t over-driven or a perfectionist; not a dancer or a gymnast. I was a bubbly and happy kid, always ready to give anything ago and never over-obsessed with my body. Moving halfway across the world changed that for me, whether it was due to the move from England to New Zealand, or whether I would have still got anorexia while living in England is a mystery.  Seemingly out of the blue I became sick, and quickly hit rock bottom.

It was only when my body started to shut down that I started to get help. I became hospitalized with a nasal tube stuck down my throat for the following months, but I had finally got the help I needed to begin to recover. Recovery was one of the hardest times my family and I have gone through, but together we have made it out stronger.

Today, I am much more open about my mental health issues. This piece of art [below] was one of the first steps for me coming to terms with what had happened to me and that it was okay.

Today, I am much more open about my mental health issues. This piece of art [below] was one of the first steps for me coming to terms with what had happened to me and that it was okay. I wasn’t ‘messed up in the head’ or ‘crazy’ because I had mental health issues. I am conscious about how people in our society are constantly judging us on how we look and how social media is showing young girls what they think is acceptable and normal. Although, like any 16-year-old, at times I do get sucked into this way of thinking, I always try to keep a positive mindset about my body and remember that everyone is unique.   

The stigma around mental health and eating disorders has always been seen as a choice. This piece of art represents for me the fact that it isn’t a choice; just like cancer isn’t. No one chooses to be anorexic, bulimic or have depression and anxiety. They are diseases; ones that can be treated. For me, looking back on those really bad months, I don’t recognize myself. It’s like looking into someone else’s life. Anorexia was like something inside of me controlling my brain. I don’t see Poppy, the bubbly and happy child but instead see a depressed and unhappy vulture taking over a child’s life; controlling her brain.   

My relationship with my body may never be the same.  My body shape in now vastly different; it’s curvy and I am trying to embrace it.  I try not to let anorexia define me but it has taught me that I am so much stronger mentally than I thought I was. The fact I have recovered from anorexia gives me real strength. I feel really lucky that I got such great support from those around me.