Review 4 – Walking in this World: The Path

Words by Izzy Pilkington

Photography by Chris Barbalis, via Unsplash  

Izzy Pilkington examines boundaries of self, art and mental illness

In my last article I restarted my journey to unlock self and societally imposed barriers. It’s not going to be a surprise to anyone that these barriers have become negative habits. And bad habits are a bitch! Often you don’t realise how bad they are until you try to change them. This is what this journey is all about.

I remember when I first was introduced to The Artists Way – I was in my second round of therapy and I didn’t know how to describe what was wrong. All I knew was there was something not right. If you don’t know how to describe it to yourself it’s hard to explain to someone else. So I suppressed it and stuck with the fact people thought I was neurotic. One of my problems at the time was that I gave myself to my art – I identified myself with my talent. I convinced myself that being an actor was all I was; that my worth only went as far as my talent went.

This made all the negative sides of drama training more painful. If I wasn’t doing well on the one thing I was born to do I must really be nothing, right? It was only during my training at East 15 that I realised the boundaries of self, art and mental illness. I am still breaking down these barriers. I have built up some nasty barriers. The Artist Way was the beginning of that breakdown. It was the beginning of my dive into writing. It was my path to diagnosis. And for that, I am forever grateful.

Sometimes it feels like I’ve been playing a decade-long game of stuck-in-the-mud and no one is there to save me. There’s that movie mentality – the Hollywood brainwasher – someone will have to save me because I am a damsel in distress and I need a hero. It’s a horrible day when you realize that Disney has betrayed you.  I am not objecting to a handsome man coming to sweep me off my feet – I mean I am human and boy, do I have my fantasies… but this is not the time nor the place for that.

But there is a fight in my head a fight between being saved and transformed because the differences are so subtle. And when there’s a misunderstanding there is a misunderstanding on how to deal with your boundaries. You can only be ‘saved’ by your own self-compassion, but a love from another can transform you and help you ‘save’ yourself. Now let’s replace the word save with self-help. Why am I rambling on about this? I need to get it out. I am trying to find my boundaries.  What is fantasy? What is a reality? Where is the borderline when your head likes catastrophizing? And that is what week five is all about boundaries and personal territory.

How do you find your boundaries? And how do you claim your territory back? Questions rushing around my head. Is that possible? Can I do it? Cameron certainly thinks so. And in this week’s chapter, she guides me through things I must become aware of. Awareness is the key. Cameron first mentions energy and simply asks me to ask myself what do I spent my energy on. A simple task –  but powerful and eye-opening. Becoming aware of my energy is hard because apparently, I like resisting the truth. Because if I resist the truth I don’t have to deal with it and I won’t have to do anything like help myself.  Which is hard and stressful. It’s funny saying that, why am I afraid or avoiding self-help? I am certain that there’s a part of myself that thinks that I’ll put all this energy in and still fail. This is something I need to overcome, and the first baby step is looking into my energy use. Energy is a very important part of me – I used to have a limitless stash of it. These days I have a lacking of it as I have not been looking after it. I’ve been brutal to it. Think of it this way I am Mount Vesuvius and Pompeii is my energy (I wish I could come up with some witty film reference but my mind is not connecting with its internet right now). That is how brutal I am on my energy. Energy is a personal and private thing – it is sacred and as Cameron preaches to think otherwise is debilitating and abusive. We need to respect our energy. That may mean throwing your serious overthinking self away and filling its absence with being goofy and earthy. Instead of worrying about your energy bills – worry about where you put your sexual, creative, ridiculous, passionate, grace saving energy on. While you’re at it, replace the word worry with exploring. Maybe by changing the language, we use will help trick our mind into becoming more aware.

I found it difficult to become aware of my energy use – or maybe the better way of describing it is resisting it. My mind instantly tells me that it with take too much energy to get my energy back and I simply don’t have that energy. I have to store my energy like the squirrels store their nuts. But like them, I tend to forget where I store it or find it and abuse the stores. I think the way my head sees it is, ‘Winter may be coming, but I need fuel now.’ But I have found a way to help my mind deal with my resistance in a very simple way. The way is set up a budget. Stay with me here. Think of energy as money. What way is best to spend your money? Do you invest it in others? Or yourself? What if you used less energy in things you hate? How could this change your experience of life? It’s kind of exciting concept. I do know, as with a lot of things, all this is easier said than done. But it is doable and the more we do these little tricks the easier it will be becoming aware of your boundaries and marking your territories.

This energy awareness search was helped by Cameron’s first task of the chapter. She asks you a question on who is overstepping your boundaries: Who’s living in your territory? Who’s supportive of your boundaries? Have you misplaced boundaries? Connecting to this task two asks you things like what if it wasn’t too expensive? What if it was too scary? What if you were selfish? It’s a way to test your defences but also up your risk.

The artist dates this week was a bit of a mixed bag. I had a lovely morning in Wales and the lovely trip to the cinema. But the greatest joy of this week was walking to the osteopath and trying to find it without any data; felt like a little adventure.

With this week I feel like I am on the beginnings of an exciting path of discovery. It feels like this is it – I will understand now. I am trying to resist resisting the hope I have. I need to remind myself that this is a process not a path to perfection. I will fall. I will cut my knee. Sometimes someone will be there, sometimes it will just be me.

And that is ok – I want to continue playing with boundaries, claiming my territories and evaluating what methods I used to measure my self-worth. In week six I will be stepping into some baby shoes to explore the baby step.