Table For One

Image credit: Beth Barnett

I have a table for one booked this Valentines day, to celebrate the relationship I have built with myself. My self-love was smelted in the fires of surviving the hardest of times single-handedly, through my experience with depression and anxiety, to questioning my sexuality and gender. Through several bereavements and family traumas, during which I had to be the one to keep things ticking over, and go back to myself at the end of the day.

We grow up surrounded by products, systems and societal beliefs that reinforce the notion that we are either not enough or far too much, and if we like ourselves as we are, we’re arrogant! In recent times, as we kick back from this cycle of self-loathing, the harmful systems that kept us filled with self-hate and neediness have cottoned on and adjusted their language. They peddle their products as the only way to self-love, as if it is something you can buy in a shop and rub into your skin.

Surviving hard times meant I had to show up for myself in ways I’d never imagined. I learned that you can still practise self-love, even if you don’t like yourself much. With the commitment required to make any great partnership work, you really can be your own rock. Great self-love is something we all deserve.

Self-loathing taught me one of my most valued life-lessons: no-one can hurt me like I can. Once we begin to break out of those patterns, in those early days of recovery when all that is possible in life flickers back into our vision, we realise the flipside of our capacity to hate is our capacity to love. It is hard even to grasp how much potential there is for self-love in a world where “they love themselves” is used as snide dig. But just as self-hatred does not show up overnight, self-love must be practised, experimented with, trained into your system.

Write down the things you like about yourself. It’s okay if there aren’t that many to begin with. What do you feel when you read them back? Pride? Confidence? Give those sensations some time to thrive. Eventually, those tiny buds will stand proud in the rich earth of your mind.

Self-love is not about letting ourselves off the hook: it’s about speaking to ourselves in a way that is encouraging and inspirational. It’s knowing where our limits are, and when we can push them safely. How do you speak to yourself when you’re working? This issue often crops up during my clarinet practise. “That bit sounded great, let’s practise the next bit and it’ll improve…” is so much more productive than “That was awful, why do you even bother?” Acknowledging your achievements is useful and necessary to improvement – it helps you track your progress. Also, being congratulated for doing a good job feels great, and inspires you to keep learning.

Life isn’t all sunshine, and it is damaging to pretend that it is. Moving through emotional pain is much healthier than trying to dodge around it, and teaches us more about this marvellous human experience. A huge part of self-love is building a reliable contingency plan for when things go awry. That includes learning how to forgive ourselves, and taking note of what our difficult emotions are trying to tell us, rather than shaming ourselves for feeling them.

This is where our lotions and bath bombs and favourite foods come into play. While it is not a good idea to get dependent on these things for happiness, treating them as luxuries for a bit of sensual stimulation is great… So long as they are treats to gift your body, and not punishments to reinforce the idea that you should change it.

We are all in relationships with our family, friends, partners, colleagues, work, environment, and ourselves. Each of these relationships is important, and worth examining to make sure all parties are keeping healthy. The same patterns show up across the board, especially bad habits. Some years ago, for example, co-dependence in my friendships was reflected in my sense of worth being dependant on how good my grades were.

As this budding romance with yourself grows, lots of things get easier: self-forgiveness, celebration of achievements, setting realistic goals. This is because you’re neither holding yourself to an impossible standard, nor putting yourself on a pedestal and ignoring your problematic aspects. You’re seeing yourself as you are, warts and all, and using all your little nuances to live your life in the most effective way possible. You’ll be less tethered, less dependant, less needy. You’ll be more confident in setting your boundaries, have more fulfilling, balanced interactions, and you’ll take greater risks knowing that if things don’t go to plan, you know exactly how to pick yourself back up again.

So if you’re stuck for who to take on that hot date this Valentine’s Day… hopefully you’ve got a better idea now.

Charley is an actor and broadcaster living in London. They have recovered from severe depression and anxiety, and they are working to improve the mental health conversation within the performing arts business. When Charley isn’t treading the boards, they can be found ukulele-playing, clarinet-tooting, book-reading, puppet-wrangling and city-walking.

Beth is a cartoonist based in Cambridge, MA. She tells funny, bittersweet stories focusing on relationships, music, and mental health. When she’s not making comics, Beth enjoys weightlifting, and cooking. Her favourite dinosaur is the compsognathus.