What’s Next? I Haven’t the Foggiest…

By G. K. Sihat

Photography by Ranjit Sihat

What’s next? Apart from ‘Why?’, it seems to be everyone’s favourite question.

Finished your education? Wonderful. What’s next?

Got yourself a dream job? Fantastic. What’s next?

You and your partner are engaged? Lovely. What’s next?

I hate those words. I’ve lost count of how many times people have asked me them. No one is ever satisfied. No one is ever okay with letting you simply stop and be for a while. To let you bask in whatever you’ve just achieved. It’s always about moving onto that next step.

But what if you step backwards?

What if you step sideways?

What if something’s on the step that you’re aiming for?

After an odious two years doing my A Levels, I started my undergraduate degree in Film and TV. I had no plan in mind. No idea what was next. University was simply next logical step. By the second year, I thought I had it all worked out though. I was doing really well in my assignments, I had great friends, and I had bagged myself an internship with Pinewood Studios. Life was perfect.

“What’s next?” everyone asked.

Next, I would graduate. I would get a permanent job at Pinewood Studios. I would live life to the fullest.

I did graduate. With honours and a scholarship. But my time at Pinewood Studios came to an end. There was no more work. No permanent job. My friends? They all moved on with their lives. They got jobs, got married, left the country. My family was riddled with death and drama. Then I was diagnosed mentally ill.

My ‘What’s next?’ was falling apart.

So, I did what anyone with a scholarship does. I went back to university and got my Masters. Creative Writing. The only thing on offer I thought I could win in, and I was desperate for a win.

“What’s next?” everyone asked.

I would earn money with my words.

What really happened? I found a handful of ghostwriting clients in America. I wasn’t getting out of the house though. I was staying in my room, becoming a recluse with only my words and a few ‘friends’ to keep me company from time to time. I became too scared to go out into the big bad world.

Then Brexit happened. Trump was voted into office. My clients no longer wanted to pay me any more than $8 per hour instead of £15. I lost my clients. I felt like a failure. I grew sicker.

“What’s next?” everyone asked.

Next, I give up. Next, I succumb to my mental illness. To my fear and anxiety. To my failures. I had barely entered my twenties and I was ready to give up on everything. I had the perfect life and I somehow let it slip through my fingers. I was letting everyone down.

Next, there is nothing.

I’m lucky enough to be blessed with parents and sisters who live by the idea that any step in the right direction, however small, is progress. Everything you’re meant to do, everything you’re meant to face, everything you’re meant to achieve, is already on your path waiting for you. It doesn’t matter if it takes you ten minutes or ten hours or ten years to get to it, you’ll get there eventually as long as you don’t stop moving. It was this that they used to help fuel me. To help pull me to my feet.

I graduated three years ago. I’m a writer now. A writer with a pile of manuscripts very nearly ready to go out to agents. I have a small handful of copywriting clients and am a newly appointed social media manager for two small businesses. I earn little, but love what I do. I have a small group of friends who inspire me and push me to be the best I can. I’m independent but still live at home. And, most of the time, I love my life. As for my mental illness, I’ve learned to live with it. I’ve learned it’s okay to have down sometimes. That it isn’t linked to failure. That fear isn’t all consuming. I’ve even let go of the desperate need to know what’s next, along with most of that excruciating fear of failure. How can you fail at something when none of it was planned in the first place? You gave it an attempt. Well done.

The moral, my fearless comrades, is to be just that: fearless.

Don’t worry about what comes next. Don’t stress about having to have all the answers. Nothing goes to plan and what is meant for you will come to you eventually. Have faith in yourself. Have faith in your abilities. It doesn’t matter what comes next. Just keep moving.