Why I Left My Career because of my Mental Health

By Elizabeth Eyre

Art by Lauren Drinkwater

After years and years of hard work, unpaid internships and sacrifice I’ve had to leave my career because of my mental health. I spent many of those years throwing money I don’t have on unpaid internships for my career. I missed birthdays, and constantly worked away from home. There were no holidays for me. That’s the industry I work in, television, on a show broadcast on one of the major UK channels. To get to this stage in my career, where I was headhunted directly by the network, I was over the moon and I felt like my hard work was finally starting to pay off.

Before I started the job, I was receiving really intense treatment for PTSD, Dissociation Disorder, Depression and Trauma Anxiety. I admit, in hindsight it seems incredibly foolish to pack it all in but when life presents you with such lucrative opportunities, you feel you have to take them with both hands and not let go.

Throughout the few months of the job, things just got worse. Working 70-80 hours a week left me no time to gather my thoughts and sort through all the different things going through my mind. I was sleep deprived and diagnosed exhausted; my mental health had never been worse. Although prior to this, I’d attempted suicide before, everyday felt like I was walking the razor’s edge between life and death.

Despite having been raised by an alcoholic and drug addict, I found myself turning to things I swore I’d never touch because there was no other coping mechanism for me to lean on. I felt lost. I’d not only failed trying to succeed in my career, but I’d failed myself. I felt like a child again, nothing was in my control and I couldn’t grasp the smallest amount of power. Memories of sexual, physical and emotional abuse span round my head every day because I couldn’t keep them away. Can you imagine trying to do administrative work for 80 hours a week, sleep and food deprived, whilst awful images of your darkest horrors spin round and round your head with no way to block it out?

It got to the point where I was having incredibly severe panic attacks every day. Sneaking off to the bathroom to hide in shame I would hyperventilate, because if I showed weakness — for even just one moment — I would be replaced. I didn’t recognise myself anymore. I was constantly being triggered and was unravelling into nothing but loose ends.

And then I drew a line.

“I wasn’t a victim and I wouldn’t allow myself to fall further and further into such a dark place.”

I wasn’t a victim and I wouldn’t allow myself to fall further and further into such a dark place. On an absolute whim, I handed in my letter of resignation. This is an industry where a small act like this (leaving mid-way through filming) could close a lot of doors for me. I thought this would be the hardest decision to make, my life is my career and there is nothing else, but surprisingly it was the easiest decision I have ever made.

My mental health was in such an awful place because of such a disgusting job culture and bullies, because of that, I was coming close to dying again. I was getting reckless. There was no question anymore. There was still that tiny candle light inside me that wanted to the survive, it was the same fire that prompted me to run away from home when I was fifteen and move in with a close friend because of the abuse I was facing. That fire is my oldest friend, the only part of myself that wants to survive and live well.

It doesn’t matter how small that fire is, the fire is your power. There was a point where I didn’t even realise I had it, but I remember the moment very vividly when I remembered it did still exist inside me. And now I’m not worried about success or failure because as cliché as it sounds, success and failure are something that you define and you alone. You are not comparable to anyone else. But in my eyes — and if I can leave you with anything after this whirlwind – it’s that success is having a bit of peace, however you get that peace, be it through work or leisure, you deserve to experience that while your heart is still beating.

After leaving, there has been an unbelievable difference to my mental health. My friends and family have come forward telling me how proud they are of me and also how different I seem. I’m proud that I faced something that, at the time, seemed so frightening. But I committed to leaving and saw it through. What we all should realise when it comes to mental health is that people who suffer with it are not the problem, the job culture is the problem. Of course, I am facing other difficulties now (financial etc) but that doesn’t compare to what I was putting myself through every day.

Some people would see this as a failure and they might think they’re right, but to me I have succeeded in putting myself first.