Mandy Lee Berger: Art Series | Part 1

I suffer with Depression, Anxiety and CPTSD and I’ve been painting for the last 8 years, since all of this was triggered off.  I tend to paint from what I am feeling; it’s my way of expressing the deepest emotions I struggle to find words for. I paint with brushes, sponges, toothbrushes, tissue, corks;  basically anything that I feel I want to use. I’m very instinctive, feeling my colour choices and where to put them, then just going into a sort of ‘zone’ and painting . Two of these painting I have shared are imprints of other paintings, I have found they tell a different story to the original ones – another layer that takes me deeper into the painting.  I also like to work with mixed media, it feels satisfying to be able to create art in many ways and forms. The paintings here are ones I have painted about what it feels like to be overwhelmed with stress and pressure and the way the mind and emotions can react when being in situations that feel out of your control; then, how it can feel to transform these emotions and begin to release, relax and let go.  

FIRES OF FURY, 2016

I have been going to a Women’s Art Therapy Group and this was painted in my first term. I am on my second term now and love it. I arrived full of fury, just wanting to let it all out. As soon as I arrived I was told we could paint from whatever was alive most in us. I just grabbed the scary colours and went on the floor and, with a cork, I did this. I felt utter fury and rage go onto the page. One of the ladies who runs the course came up to me to ask why I was away from the group painting. I told her how I felt so angry and I can never show my anger so I was letting it out on the page . She helped me see that by being away from the group I was still feeling ashamed of my anger. So for the two other paintings I did in class that day I worked in the group. It was so difficult as I realised this was another layer of trauma; I realised just how scared I was for others to see my emotions and know about what I have been through. At the end we all showed our work and I couldn’t put mine in the centre. I was asked why and I cried. People have made me feel like I am not worth anything and kept me locked in shame. When I was asked what I needed, I realised I needed to ask if everyone would be ok with seeing my work as I did not want them to be affected badly because then, in turn, I get affected by the reactions and feel again that what’s inside me is bad.  However, when I shared my work, everyone was fine and I felt safe to show three pieces altogether. Experiencing this sharing let me discover not everyone is going to run from the intensity of my emotions. This painting was a milestone and a catalyst; just one week later, for the very first time, I was talking in the class about the trauma which the work came from. I also saw how beautiful all this fire is. How justified it is and how the fire is healing and not hurting me, just burning all of the really stubborn stuff away.

BEING WATCHED, 2017

When things get really bad, it feels like a million eyes are watching me; watching everything I say, do, think and feel. I can end up overwhelmed, frozen in fear and panic about putting a foot wrong and doing something that would cause someone to react in a way that feels threatening. I wanted to paint what it feels like to feel a million eyes on you: eyes that are alert, waiting for the danger, eyes that are judging, eyes that want to hurt you. Angry Eyes, jealous eyes, scared eyes, fearful eyes. I used eyes I bought in the craft shop to surround the painted eyes . The eyes in the middle are me and I feel locked in the dark by all the other eyes which come from outside myself and from my own thoughts, too. I found using the craft shop eyes made it feel more alive.

Mandy Lee Berger’s Art Series is featured in Issue 3 of Fearless Femme’s Digital Magazine.  We’ll be releasing more images and commentary about this important and deeply moving series over the next few months, so do check back to find out more about Mandy’s process and use of art as therapy, connection and respite.  

Mandy Lee Berger is an actress, writer, spoken word poet and artist.  She has done many paintings , and written many spoken word poems about her battles with depression,  anxiety and CPTSD.  Mandy uses her art to help communicate her experiences with illness.