Mandy Lee Berger: Art Series | Part 2

I suffer with Depression, Anxiety and CPTSD and I’ve been painting for the last 8 years, since all of this was triggered off.  I tend to paint from what I am feeling; it’s my way of expressing the deepest emotions I struggle to find words for. I paint with brushes, sponges, toothbrushes, tissue, corks;  basically anything that I feel I want to use. I’m very instinctive, feeling my colour choices and where to put them, then just going into a sort of ‘zone’ and painting . Two of these painting I have shared are imprints of other paintings, I have found they tell a different story to the original ones – another layer that takes me deeper into the painting.  I also like to work with mixed media, it feels satisfying to be able to create art in many ways and forms. The paintings here are ones I have painted about what it feels like to be overwhelmed with stress and pressure and the way the mind and emotions can react when being in situations that feel out of your control; then, how it can feel to transform these emotions and begin to release, relax and let go.  

WRESTLING WITH THE DEMONS IN MY HEAD: INNER TORMENT, TRAUMA, GRIEF, PAIN  (2015)

I started to do a lot of paintings where I would paint something, and then with another paper I would take an imprint of the painting to create another image and layer to the original piece. This is one of those imprints. At the time, I felt so overwhelmed with fear and all the thoughts in my head and feelings I was feeling:  anger, hate, confusion, pain, grief, loss, loneliness, isolation. It encapsulates that inner torment. I was suffering so much with depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts; I felt I was my own worst enemy. I felt like I was being tortured by my mind and all the things others had said and done and how I felt about it all. It was like a broken record stuck on repeat mixed with white noise. I still find it difficult to look at this as it makes me feel so sad because I still feel a lot of what is reflected here, even if it is not as intense as it once was.

BEAUTY IN GRIEVING (2015)

This painting has taught me a lot. I felt so much grief and sadness when I sat to paint this. I just wanted to use the colour blue. I felt so heavy in my heart and my mind was lost somewhere in the lowness. All the blue felt like it could hold the depth of the sadness that I was feeling. I painted it horizontal and just went into my zone. When I had finished I had it turned vertical as I was blurring the paint and I was amazed: it looked like this waterfall. I could see that within this deep sadness there is actually something beautiful. I still feel this deep profound loss and sadness and when I am in this place I shut down and sort of get lost in it. I have learnt from this painting that there is something beyond the grief and it can become quite beautiful.

Mandy Lee Berger’s Art Series is featured in Issue 3 of Fearless Femme’s Digital Magazine.  We’ll be releasing more images and commentary about this important and deeply moving series over the next few months, so do check back to find out more about Mandy’s process and use of art as therapy, connection and respite.  

Mandy Lee Berger is an actress, writer, spoken word poet and artist.  She has done many paintings , and written many spoken word poems about her battles with depression,  anxiety and CPTSD.  Mandy uses her art to help communicate her experiences with illness.